Sep 23, 2010

beauty

swim

I have been having a hard time lately. With the way I look. One of my many obnoxious neurosis. I loathe taking photos {I usually make a witty quip about needing to check with my agent first} and have been avoiding mirrors. Ugh! Such a waste of precious energy.

I think it has a lot to do with my finally deciding to be more proactive about my genetic disorder. When I was diagnosed, I gained sixty pounds in one summer. This was NOT acceptable for some members of my family, genetic disorder or not. I have been good about seeing my doctors lately, figuring out the right hormone replacement balance and facing the uncomfortable questions and stories that come with each new care provider. 

These things take me back to when I was diagnosed with good 'ol Swyer Syndrome. The summer before high school senior year when all I wanted was to be a normal teenager; dreaming about college and prom. Instead, my mind was consumed with my syndrome, watching my body blow up, and feeling that my body betrayed me in more ways than one.

In order to prevent myself from slowly slipping into my dark place of self loathing and hopelessness {so dramatic, right?}, I have been trying to focus on the things that make me feel beautiful. Not the conventional kinds of things like make up or pretty dresses, but things that make me feel beauty in my core. Like every chromosome, xy or not, is emitting radiant goldenpink light that shines on everything I come into contact with. 

I'm sure you've probably figured it out based on the photo at the beginning of this post, but one of my favorite feel beautiful activities is swimming. Swimming until my lungs burn and my shoulders scream. Swimming until my fingers wrinkle and my calves cramp. Swimming until my goggles press deep creases into my eyes and the pool lights turn off. 

What is your thing? Your unconventional 'I feel strong and beautiful' thing?

I want to know! Tell me.

photo courtesy weheartit

9 comments:

Corie said...

Ok, I think you are beautiful! Seriously I think every photo of you is great (btw, you need more!) and you are SO photogenic! I have things about myself that I dislike....my frizzy hair, my big feet, and my wrinkles (eeek!!)!

stephANIE {NE} said...

Lady you're gorgeous!

Nina said...

You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Whenever I talk about you to my family and friends I always add that you are one of my favorite people in the world.#fact xoxo.

Taylor K said...

Dudes. I'm not fishing for compliments!
Answer the question!
What unconventional thing makes you feel gorgeous?

Kara said...

Weird little things like feeling comfy in PJs, putting lotion on before bedtime and brushing my hair make me feel gorgeous. Weird?

(P.S. I think you're gorg too!)

Nina said...

Being able to succeed and handle/learn anything that life throws at me makes me feel strong/gorgeous.

Corie said...

Ok, the unconventional thing that makes me feel pretty is something quite conventional. I LOVE taking a bath in bath salts from BASIN or using philosophy products. It leaves me smelling extra pretty all day!

Neyleen said...

Climbing into a bed with clean sheets after a long day makes me feel so lovely. Swimming in the ocean is my second favorite feel beautiful moment. I sometimes pretend I am a dolphin or a mermaid but shhhh don't tell, people might think I am odd.

Love you Tay Tay!

Sandy B. said...

when i need to feel pretty i think of you and the A M A Z I N G way you live your life and bring sunshine to everything you touch. then i sing in an opera voice. that makes me feel really pretty. hee hee hee

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