Jumping Back In

I swim.

 I’ve been swimming since I can remember.

 I spent a lot of time in the pool and in the ocean as a child for fun and also swam competitively on and off from when I was 4 until I was 17. In high school I started swimming long distance. After the competition was over and I graduated from high school, long distance swimming became very therapeutic for me. 

It’s my yoga.

 It calms me and centers me. 

When I was on my mountain, going to school, I just had to go swim and my memories of home all came back to me. I always joke with my mom that the smell of bleach reminds me of my childhood because she was so neurotic about cleaning, but it’s really the chlorine smell from indoor pools that ‘take me back’ to Long Beach. 

To the indoor Olympic pool

 where I spent so much time swimming laps.

 I like to think of my life in terms of swimming. Whether I feel like I’m in a huge ocean trying to find my ground or whether I’m swimming laps, going back and forth, learning through repetition, traveling the same road until I finish the job. Like Dory (and Julie) say, ‘Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.’

I moved to Phoenix from Flagstaff because I was in a negative cycle in Flagstaff. 

I was trying to 

go to school full time, 

work full time

 and also trying

 to go out full time

 with all of my great college friends. 

After a few semesters of

 dropping classes, 

failing classes, 

paying out of state tuition 

and working too much I burned out. 

I decided to move to Phoenix as a next step. 

My goal was to find a 

‘big girl’ 

job and to get in a place financially where I could go back to school to finish my degree and move onto a fulfilling career in a field I really care about.

Three years later (almost three years to the day, actually) I find myself still in Phoenix (I NEVER thought I would be here that long) and itching for a change.

In the three years I’ve spent here,

 there have been

 many 

many 

storms that have made my water

dark and choppy.

 There have been an unfair amount

 of deaths, 

some financial issues, 

a condo purchase, 

awesome friends made, 

many lessons learned 

and original goals have been ignored.

Through all of these changed the long and strong 

(that is what my swim coach called it) 

swim stroke I moved here with that allowed me to glide through the water with ease and graceful movement became short and ineffective. 

I wasn’t moving through the water as easily or effectively. Then, more things happened and I just stopped swimming altogether.

 I floated around for awhile. 

I watched. 

I let the water move me where it wanted to. 

I let it move me toward more sadness and anxiety and instead of swimming away from those feelings and those areas of my life I just

 let

 the 

waves 

push 

me. 

I became totally immobile. 

Unable to look at the bad habits and self destructive behavior I was quickly floating toward,

 just watching people swim by me. 

Instead of starting to swim again, 

I tried to distract and busy myself with more tasks. 

I thought that if I added more to my life I would feel more fulfilled and needed. 

I took on a part time job

 and took on a huge charity project

 in addition to

 my full time job

 and part time tutoring gig.

 But when you’re in already

 choppy water 

and add more things to your life,

 you

 SINK.

 I sunk.

 Deeper and deeper

 into my sadness and anxiety. 

I sunk so deep that 

I didn’t think I 

could see the light

 at the surface of the water anymore. 

I stopped breathing and stopped caring. 

I went so deep that others 

could no longer see my usually bright light.  Everything in my life has been affected.

 My health, 

my happiness, 

my free time, 

my JOB. 

The job I never really wanted. 

The job I have had for THREE YEARS.

 The job that has defined me for those three years. 

The job I neglected when 

I took on so many other activities. 

The job that became a

 bad fit 

for everyone involved. 

The job that provided me with

 financial security and 

health insurance 

and a 401k. 

The job that I quit right 

before Christmas

 despite the job market 

and economy 

and my better judgment 

and the guilt I feel 

when I leave or say no to ANYTHING.

 Today was my 

last

 day 

at work and I feel 

SO 

much better about my life. 

Thank you

 for sharing your 

I Believe 

lists with me. 

They helped SO much when

 I was sad and torn about

 the decisions I needed to make. 

I feel like I’ve 

swum to the surface, 

have gotten rid of the 

biggest weight 

I was trying to hold onto

 and salvage. 

I’ve climbed out onto 

solid ground so that I can

 regain some perspective

 and reassess my goals. 

My next accomplishment. 

I don’t know what it is yet,

 but I’m ready to find it 

and I’m ready to jump back 

into the water 

so that I can get there

 with confidence and strength. 

I’m ready to swim. 
**photo credit: we heart it